Date #2- and being ghosted from it 

Hey ya’ll

Greetings from Buxton, North Carolina!

If you don’t know Buxton, it’s a beautiful piece of national park land on the water. Located here:


I’m here on my family vacation which is part of the reason why I’ve been delayed in posting. Another reason has been my numerous dates and “ghosts” I’ve received. This post needed some strong coffee and a few days to think about it. 

So here’s the dating scene, get your popcorn.

Guy #2 (we call the ballerina guy #1)

This guy was super cute and we were going to head to the Greenbelt to meet up. I was even the one who initiated the date! 

After the week of conversations on the app, he asked if I wanted to grab a drink before the weekend. (Change of plans from the Greenbelt, but who am I to judge?) 

We met at the Buzzmill. A local beer and coffee place on the east side of Austin, also known as east riverside. Buzzmill is a great spot for conversation, working or a blind date! 

We had good conversation and both had two beers a piece. I honestly thought that with even being in a room without air conditioning and him asking if I wanted another drink was a good sign, but there’s something I noticed- he talked- ALOT. 

Now, I don’t have problems with guys who talk a lot. Honestly, in my profession, I talk a whole heck of a lot and it’s nice to have someone else talk. He talked about his houses, his education and his goals. He talked about his opportunities and even his senior thesis. Maybe it was me not engaging in the conversation but I honestly just wasn’t into it. 

I can’t tell you why I wasn’t into it. He was cute, he was smart, and he had things to talk about…they just weren’t interesting to me. But why? I have no idea. 

It’s funny to me because immediately after the date I called my good friend and ironically she had a bumble date. We both sighed as we relayed to each other the same thing- 

“How was it,” friend asks. 

“He was nice, sweet.” 

“And…” Friend says. 

“Yea, he was nice.Maybe I’m just not into him.”

“Probably,” friend says. 

“Well he did go to school!”

Why is it always this way? A very nice, well rounded gentleman who is educated but isn’t your type? Is it about being your type or are you just not into it? My friend and I had the same exact issue happen to us on the same night- I know we both can’t be the only two women on the planet who feel this way. We both blamed it on ourselves (a therapist would probably not approve of this, we are both very aware of this) and hung up the phone. 

Then comes the next day where you continue to wait for a text from him. 

And he doesn’t text. 

Days go by… 

Still no text.

You realize- you’ve been ghosted.

Gosh darn this damn ghosting shit. 

I recently looked this up and found that it’s now an official term in Urban Dictionary. We as a people are just letting people go, hiding per day, from other people. Why do we do this? And why am I so upset about this when I wasn’t even into this guy?!

**Writer’s note: I should note why I’m frustrated by this (aren’t we all?) – I’ve been in this weird funk of two years after dating someone who meant the world to me. After two years of weird after that, I tried the dating scene and met two great guys who kindly told me, “no thanks.” I know I’m lucky- most single people do not get this opportunity…they usually are ghosted. So I am adding a writer’s note here that my frustration probably has some other history added to it. **

I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s a confidence thing and then a technology thing. With technology, we have something to hide ourselves with- and thus we don’t need the confidence. When we do put out some confidence (I.e. – going on a blind date) and then get ghosted, it’s like the rug was pulled out from under us. With each rug pulled, it hurts more for ourselves. 

Getting ghosted sucks. But just like anything, we need to get up and try it again. It’s like anything from a work project to training for a marathon. You have to keep dating and realize that ghosting is just another thing now. It’s not going away, probably going to get worse and we just have to deal with it. 

I’m not sure if I’m alone in feeling the way I feel. My immediate reaction is to close up my account and blame Match.com for finding people for me who ghost. BUT- after reflecting on this I know that’s not the thing to do because we all walk on rugs everyday, there’s always a risk for it to be pulled out from you…always. 

So I guess this means I’ve got to take a dose of my own medicine and get back on the app. At least I can do this on a beach… 

Ps: My friend was not ghosted but did end it after the second date. If you aren’t into it, you’re not into it. 

Experiment Recap: Initiating Conversations Isn’t Just a Male Thing

Last week I started a new experiment on my profile.

I’ve always been the person at work to be the boss, the person in charge, the go-getter but when it comes to my personal life I hide in most scenarios (unless there is wine involved).

The challenge to myself was to message guys who met my criteria through a focused and involved search. Involved sounds like an odd description, but it really means that I am putting attention to and really putting effort into my search results.

In addition to diligently looking for prospects I also added that I would message them instead of just winking at them. After reading a few different articles on how to message to a potential guy or interesting match, I went with the detailed approach.

The message went like this:

Hey there, my name is Jamie. Your profile was very interesting- <Insert something about their profile and how it relates to me > I think we have some common interests so I wanted to stop “by” and say hello.

The message, to me, was a bit quirky (I know stop “by” is odd) but it was something I would say to someone as my normal self.

I messaged 6 guys of interest last week with the same format of the message (I changed the similarities depending on their profile) and here were the results (in regards to responses)

2 guys messaged me back

2 never read the message

2 read and never responded

When I asked my friends about this, they chalked this up to a win. It was more than I would normally get in regards to responses because I took the initiative and started a conversation with two guys who turned out to be very interesting guys.

When we talk about stereotypes and dating do’s and don’ts – I’m starting to see the true meaning to “the times have changed.” I think we all need to understand and reflect on this a bit more. Now, this doesn’t mean I’m all for the woman taking the lead in the relationship all the time, I just mean that as much as ladies like to be courted, men do too. I mean, that’s why Bumble is so popular right? (If you don’t know Bumble, it’s an app where only the lady can initiate a conversation with a potential guy)

I think from this mini experiment we can all see that we, ladies, shouldn’t be shy to message any guys who we’re interested in.

I’m going to take a dose of my own medicine and keep messaging.

Stay tuned for more updates!

– J

 

When you get asked to text: A qualitative study on what to do 

I recently started a conversation with a guy on Match. He reached out to me with a great message which was authentic and unique. (He read my profile) 

After going back and forth with a few messages, he sent me his phone number and asked for me to text him. 

This conversation has been great, I’ve enjoyed it. Here’s my number if you want to text. 

What? How? When? (Ugh) <– this is my reaction.

In my Type A, anxiety driven personality I immediately went to Google to solve my anxiety. (I do not recommend this to anyone who is looking for an answer other than for definitions, math problems or urban dictionary translations)

Google wasn’t helping. They were recommending how to start a booty call. (Thanks, Google)

 What exactly was I supposed to text? I have no idea how to start a conversation via text unless it’s with a client or a friend where I’m typically sending emojis back and forth. 

I mean, really, what would you text to someone to “start” a conversation you’ve already been having online? 

  • Hello (weird.)
  • Hey there (too flirty?) 
  • Hey, this is Jamie. (Of course it is, you just received his number) 
  • Hey, we’ve been talking on Match. This is Jamie, thanks for your number (uh. No) 

So, when Google didn’t help with the quickest answer I went to my amazing and oh-so wonderful friends who have all of the experience. Hello qualitative study on how to initiate a conversation on text! 

Here were their suggestions: 

  • “Hey, it’s XX, thanks for your number!” 
  • “Hey, it’s Jamie. How are you?
  • Continue the conversation, starting with “Hey, it’s Jamie”
  • Another suggestion came from someone who is also online dating. Her guy actually asked her number and jokingly said he wasn’t a stalker. 

So here’s what I’ve learned: 

  • Be simple and relax. Maybe this is advice for myself but the simple response, “Hey, it’s Jamie. Thanks for your number! How are you?” Worked. 
  • Text is weird but texting is easy. Since its easy, keep it easy and don’t stress. (Again…more lessons for myself) 
  • Anything really works but providing a question helps create a quick response. Think about how we communicate with our friends through text. We have long conversations, back and forth, why can’t this be the same way? 
  • If you want the simple answer that Google should have had: Say hello, say who you are and then ask how they are. 

Text is annoying. And for the record, I’m a TERRIBLE texter but in a situation where text is requested, I went with it. 

Stay tuned for the first date. I arranged it! (Gulp.)